Hangover 101

It is a well known fact among the Usual Suspects that I do not get hangovers. Well the fact is that is not entirely true. However, another fact to live by is “What is good for me is not necessarily good for the weak hearted.” Why you ask? Fact three, I am a professional drinker and while not in the same class as my new idol/mentor, Dan Dunn, and to quote James T. Kirk when it comes to drinking I often go “Where no man has gone before.”

According to Wikipedia a hangover describes the sum of unpleasant physiological effects following heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages. The most commonly reported characteristics of a hangover include headache, nausea, sensitivity to light and noise, lethargy, dysphoria, diarrhea and thirst, typically after the intoxicating effect of the alcohol begin to wear off.

Now with a hangover defined and while I no longer am plagued by hangovers by definition I do occasionally wake up lethargic with a few aches and pains caused mostly by sleeping in strange positions due to alcohol consumption. Most of the above is due to lack of good sleep of which is well documented that I do not sleep all that well on a NDD. (For those of you who do not follow my blog NDD is Non-Drinking Day) So on the days when I imbibe or over imbibe I sleep even less and more pitiful. However as I stated the good news is I do have the symptoms of a hangover as defined above at least not since I have achieved the status of Professional Drinker (more on this status in a future Blog).

A little History

In days gone by I used to wake up some hum dingers next to Central Patti who was and still is my drinking partner in crime.

Side Note: While Central Patti is a prodigious drinker she still wakes up from time to time with the hangover as previously defined, thus we can deduce she still has not achieved the status of Professional Drinker.

So in days gone by when we used to wake up frequently with a hurting head and body, mouth tasting like we had licked the inside of a toilet bowl and lying on the cold and welcome tile worshiping the same toilet we had just licked we needed the cure.

The Cure

The cure for us was a handful of aspirin, a big glass of water, several cream horns and a big bowl of mashed potatoes. In fact we were so well know of this cure at the time our nicknames used to be “Cream Horn” (Insert your one liner here) for me and Mash-Taters for Central Patti.

Ok, enough history and on with the Blog. As I stated I am no longer plagued with a hangover by definition. Why? Simple and here is why along with some words to live by.

1. Drinking is a marathon and NOT a sprint. Any Professional Drinker will tell you this. Avoid the drunk amateur who is always more than willing to buy you rounds of what I call girly shots. You know the ones I am talking about. The mini-Martini with a lot of fruit juice and sugar that totals more than the alcohol in the drink Sugar will give you a GIANT hangover. To combat the amateurs I always answer the shot invitation with “Sure, let’s do a shot of Macallan!” Now you have the amateur in a pickle. He/She can not back down so they will order both of you a shot and after downing the shot will give you a look that reminds you of waking up feeling like they just licked the inside of the toilet.

2. Water is your friend. Yes I realize that remembering to order a glass of water between drinks after ten rounds is very difficult, but still good and sound advice. As a Professional Drinker I have learned that if you drink Vodka Soda, Vodka, Water, and the elixir of life Vodka Tonic (and remember Tonic has quinine so you will never get malaria) you will be drinking water at the same time you your alcohol. You can also substitute Bourbon or Scotch and Soda or water as well.

3. The one vice rule. Yes keep to one vice when out and about (at least until you are a Professional Drinker) Do not mix smoking with drinking in heavy amounts as this will also lead to some killer hangovers. Also no narcotics. Yes going to a strip club is OK as this vice may lead to even less drinking depending on the type of club or state you are in.

4. Learn to drink like a man. Watch the Martini’s and Manhattans as they contain at least three or four shots of alcohol. Enough said, or it should be if you have been paying attention.

5. The after hour breakfast. Take special not here as you probably did not follow any of the first four pointers. Either start to keep track of establishments that cater to the after hours bar crowd or ask the bartender before you leave. Many a night when I was an amateur in K.C. Central Patti, RAF and I jumped in a cab at three in the morning and went to Chubbys. (by the way an excellent late night, early morning breakfast.

Following the above pointers will keep you from some killer hangovers and help you survive at least until you have had the title of Professional Drinker bestowed on you.


The Professor


  1. I would move Number 2 to Number 1. Water is the best thing....keep hydrated

  2. Yes that was a toss up and as I do drink a lot of water daily well, just seemed to fit


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