The Snow Storm

Sitting on my side of the bar this morning having Bloody Marys on the KC Plaza the topic of conversation was what else, the weather. We received another 3 inches of snow last night and this morning. The conversations brought back a memory of another snow storm years ago.

Snow and lots of it! While the forecast was for eight to ten inches we already had that much on the ground and it was still falling. My three buddies, Joe, Jon and Mike, who we called Walmart due to the fact that at one time he was employed by Wal-Mart , had already shoveled the drive in my duplex that I rented two times. We were now taking a well deserved break sitting in my living room drinking beer, which was a frequent activity for us and while not always at my place we did like to lend a hand to each other when there was work to be done. I was recently divorced so as you may imagine I did not have much to sit on as I had “lost custody” of much of my furniture. I am not complaining mind you as I would have gladly given all of my worldly possessions including the shirt on my back, or today my snow shovel, to be rid of my wife. We never had a great relationship, but then again what marriage that ends in divorce was all that great. In any event the four of us were sitting around drinking and not looking forward to another round of snow shoveling when our other friend Joe knocked at the door and walked in. We were all good friends so we were only semi-formal and all comfortable simply walking into each others houses after a simple courtesy knock.

Joe was out of breath as he had walked the two blocks between the closes bar to my place in deep snow, which was a good idea as the parking at the small duplex that I lived in was limited. There was already my car, Joe’s (Joe that was at my place shoveling snow, not out of breath Joe) car Jon’s car (he and Walmart had ridden together) plus the car that belonged to the elderly couple who lived next door in the other unit. So there was really no space left to park especially when you take into account that we had piled up the close to a foot of snow in every available space.

Joe, the Joe that walked from the bar out of breath, not the Joe sitting on a folding chair in my small living room said,

“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Patti was just pulled over by a cop as she was leaving Harry’s.

Harry’s was the bar panting Joe had just walked from. I guess the bar was named after the original proprietor; though no one could remember ever meeting him.

Patti was my new girl friend that I had been dating for only a few months. I do not like to admit this by I had become quit fond of her, which was a surprise to me due to the fact that I was recently liberated from a relationship and was really not interested in another commitment. Patti did not seem to mind and would stop by from time to time to what at least seems to me was to simply have sex, which was ok by me. Not only was that ok by me but also left me time to hang out with my beer drinking buddies when ever I wanted; something that my former wife indeed hated. I have never understood why the very moment a couple is married the wife tries to change the husband. My ex-wife was no exception and the moment we were married she made it clear in no uncertain terms that my beer drinking cohorts were no longer welcome to simply drop by when ever they wanted. In addition while she never actually came out and said it they were also not going to be welcome with an invitation that I knew would never be extended.

Anyway, Patti presently did not seem to mind my “gang” and would even sit and have a beer with us appearing as if she really enjoyed it. Plus taking into consideration that Patti was ten years younger than me and still a junior in college I think she thought that sitting hanging out and drinking beer with my friends was a very harmless way to pass the time between sex “pit stops”, “study breaks” or whatever else you or she would like to call them. As I said Patti was a few years younger than me and my friends but acted older than her age and seemed to enjoy hanging out with an older crowd. Se was also very attractive and had a great figure with a great behind and large full breasts. Her legs were that of an athlete or a dancer with large calves and very defined muscle structure that carried up through her hard ass into her broad shoulders. I did not know it then, but she would look great in a little black evening dress.

We sat there in shock as “Out of Breath Joe” (from this point on referred to as Joe One) drooped the news on us that Patti was two blocks down, stopped by a police officer as she pulled out of Harry’s Bar. Now while we did not know for sure that Patti had been drinking we, or at least I knew, she had her weekly volleyball game earlier that evening and she and her teammates would usually stop by Harry’s for a few after the game. I would usually join her and Patti would park at my place and we would walk down to Harry’s. However, due to the snow storm and my buddies all parked at my place I am sure she simply drove past straight to Harry’s with intentions of coming by later when we had finished shoveling round three, or maybe round four as the snow was still coming down hard.

As Joe One still had his coat on I said,

“Run back and see if she needs assistance and I will be there shortly!”

Joe One gave me a “You have got to be shitting me” stare but realized this was neither the time nor the place and out the door he went. The rest of us had already started to put on our coats and boots for the trek through the storm to Harry’s. We actually contemplated driving for a minute until we hit the porch and witnessed the Olafson’s, the old couple next door stuck in the end of the drive. Their old Ford LTD was hung up on the newly deposited heap of snow at the end of the drive. Mr. Olafson was trying to push and Mrs. Olafson was driving attempting to back over the heap of snow, courtesy of the snow plow that had just passed, shouting at Mr. Olafson.. The windows of the Olafson’s car were up, but you could still read her lips.

“Push harder Niles!”

How hard could a 80 year old Swede push I really did not know, but quickly I assessed the situation and gave the order for beer drinking Joe, from this point A.K.A. Joe Two, Jon and Walmart to lend a hand to the Olafsons and to not let Niles push anything. I stated down the street to Harry’s in the still present snow storm to check on Patti and the predicament she may be in.

While it was only two blocks to Harry’s it was a difficult walk as no one had shoveled their sidewalks, not that I blamed them, the snow was still falling and the wind was causing the snow drifts to grow higher. I could not even see where Joe One had walked just a few minutes earlier.

As I rounded the corner into Harry’s parking lot I saw Patti’s red Citation and thought all must be well and she had retreated back into Harry’s for one more with Joe One before coming by my place. Or she had decided to not to stop by given the snow storm, the parking or the Olafson situation at my place and returned to Harry’s.

However as I entered Harry’s I saw Joe One sitting at the bar with Gay James, who was a member of Patti’s volleyball team and one of Patti’s roommates. We never called James, Gay James to his face as we all really liked him and the fact that he was gay was or never had been an issue to any of us. I guess I am only describing James as Gay James here is to define the fact that he was gay and a roommate of my girlfriend. I guess mostly to defend my point of view of having a girl I was dating living with a male roommate. I would have a lot to learn about this in the days to come. Well the look on Joe One’s and James’s faces told me more than I wanted to know. As Joe One looked up from his drink he said,

“I apologize for not coming right back, but I was simply to tired”

I forgot to mention that Joe One was only 5’ 6” and weighed about 250 pounds. He carried the weight well despite his height, but was not in the best of shape for a man in his early thirties.

Joe One continued,

“More bad news, Patti was arrested for DWI.”

James provided more details and said,

“We were drinking a little more than usual due to the snow storm and had several shots”

I started to get angry at James for letting her drive but thought better of the idea as he was not her keeper, simply one of her team and roommates. Plus the fact she was only going two blocks as she had confided to James that she was indeed coming to my place for a “Pit Stop.”

A quick flash of sorrow went through my mind, as Patti was very, well shall we say, a fiery lover when she had a few to drink. Hey what can I say? I am a guy and a guy who just a few months earlier had exited a bad and sexless marriage. Also an honest writer so I have to include this thought. This flash of lament quickly passed and I had to think of what to do next. Joe One was now drinking boiler makers and would be of no use. James however offered,

“I have a friend or actually a friend of one of our other teammates, Jesse who is a policeman. Let’s see if Jesse can contact him to see what our next move should be?”

“Sounds like a good idea”, I said.

“Jesse is still sitting upstairs with the rest of the team”, replied James.

So up the stairs we went leaving Joe One at the bar.

I had not mentioned until now that Patti actually played on a men’s volleyball team. Yes like you I was skeptical until I saw the first match. While not a very tall girl she is very quick and got to everything as well as the leading setter on her team. It is not as if this is a professional league so having a women on your team is not against the rules. Not that the teams in this league are bad mind you as every player I have witnessed was a good player especially when compared to myself.

James approached Jesse who by this time had several drinks, gin and tonic I believe. James described the situation to Jesse and Jesse said he would make a few phone calls to see where Patti stood.

In the mean time James and I went back down stairs to check on Joe One to make sure he had not wandered out into the snow storm or attempted to drive home. As we neared the bottom of the stairs we saw that Joe One had been joined by Joe Two, Jon and Walmart. The latter three had evidently rescued the Olafsons from the storm. When I inquired about this they all laughed and said they convinced the elderly couple to stay in after pushing their car into the garage making sure the elderly couple made it safely back into their house. They also had to promise Nora, Mrs. Olafson, they would bring back the items from the neighborhood market which was four blocks the other side of the duplex and the reason the Olafsons were stuck in the snow. This is what the three intended to do once they warmed up and checked on the situation at hand.

I told them that we had Jesse looking into the situation and had no more information than what James and Joe One had provided us. The three finished their drinks, bourbon now, and were about to head back out into the storm when Joe One wobbled from his stool to join them. I shook my head and Walmart intervened. He convinced Joe One that the storm was far to bad for him to walk the six blocks to the neighborhood market and then back to the Olafson’s and my duplex in his condition. For some reason Joe One always listened to Walmart no matter how inebriated he was. Joe One agreed to wait until the three returned from their promised errand. Everyone thought it was best to simply spend the night at my place due to the snow storm, that as I look out the front door showed no sign of letting up despite the promises of the weatherman coming from the television in the corner.

Out the door Joe Two, Jon (who we sometimes called JT, which is the reason we had to call Joe Two, Joe Two and not JT) and Walmart went saying the would meet us back at my place unless they heard different.

No sooner than the door closed behind the three amigos than Jesse and James cam down the stairs. The look on their faces did not look discouraging, although not really promising that I could tell. Joe One (by now I wanted to start calling him Drunk Joe, but will refrain to avoid more confusion in this story) went into a whiney kind or reverie,

“I know it was my fault, but forgive me. I am sorry I should not have let her drive” he apologized.

In actuality I still thought Gay James was to blame, but was still not going to start pointing fingers as this would not solve anything. Jesse and James set down at the bar next to me and on the far side from Joe One. Jesse stated,

“Ok, here is the scoop. As the snow storm has really delayed the arresting officer from transporting Patti to the station and due to the fact that Joe, the arresting officer, (Christ, how many Joes can one story have) is a good friend of mine who graduated from the academy with me, Joe (Officer Joe from this point on) has agreed to not take Patti into the station and charge her and would release her provided one of us can come pick her up quickly.”

I was elated at first and greatly relieved; however it was difficult to forget the snow storm that was still raging outside. Quickly was the optimal word here and going to be difficult to make happen. However, I was still putting on my coat preparing to go out the door, into the snow and pick up Patti. Jesse agreed to make sure Drunk Joe One made it back to my place and James was to accompany me in my SUV, which was a four wheel drive Geo Tracker. My car navigated in snow very well and I would then drop James off at the house that Patti and he were roommates along with two other roommates that I had never met.

So out the door we all went, James and I to meet Officer Joe and Patti, and Jesse and Drunk Joe One off to my place to join Joe Two, who I was sure by this time was Drunk Joe Two, JT and Walmart (I am sure I could have added the Drunken prefix to their names by now also). Jesse was also to bring all up to speed on the latest turn of events such as they were.

The roads were bad, but lacked traffic and we had relatively few problems. My car had a short wheel base and had good ground clearance to go with the four wheel drive. We pulled into the visitor’s lot at the police station, which as you can imagine was all but empty at this late hour and with the snow storm which at the moment was subsiding, where we had agreed to meet Officer Joe (and we would continue to call him Officer Joe as we told the story in the coming years, which we often did). True to his word he was waiting in his squad car. Exiting and letting Patti out of the back seat as we pulled up next to his car.

I introduce myself and as I began to introduce James it was apparent the two had met. After all Officer Joe was a friend of Jesse and it was entirely possible the two had met and totally feasible that Patti and Officer Joe may have also met prior to this auspicious occasion. However, due to alcohol on Patti’s part and the snow storm on Officer Joe’s part they probably did not recall any prior meetings. That and the fact that the look James and Officer Joe exchanged gave me the impression that Officer Joe may have been more interested in James then a well put together drunk female coed.

As Patti embarrassingly climbed into my car she was both grateful and apologetic. I tried to convince her that all was well and made for an interesting adventure for the evening. Also using the line everyone uses, “you would have done the same for me.” Knowing quite well that you would never be sure if that was the case with someone you had only known for a few months and the sole basis of your relation ship evolved around “Pit Stops”, “Study Breaks” or whatever we were calling them this week.

We plowed into Patti and James’s drive and as James exited the car Patti whispered to me that she would like to spend the night (at least what was left of it) at my place. An idea I obviously did not hate despite the fact I had four, maybe five drunken friends if Jesse was still there, crashing at my place.

“Not a problem”, I said.

“Give me a minute to get a few things together”,

was her reply, as she followed James into the house.

With the door open one could not help but observe two giant males just inside the door. As the door began to close the first behemoth was hugging Patti, much to my amazement and wonderment. Or maybe I was not as amazed or wondered as I started to review the events of the evening. The door opened a second later and Patti was waving for me to come inside. As I walked up to the house, which was the type of the house that all of us have seen close to any college campus. Rundown on both the inside and out after renting for decades to college students, who knew they would only be living there for a short time. As I continued to the door I kept thinking what was I doing here? I am two old for any campus stupidity. As I entered, the place appeared to be well kept and even organized despite the multitude of athletic shoes immediately inside the front door.

Patti said, “I want to introduce you to my other two roommates.”

(So help me god if one of these giants is named Joe I will stop telling this story.)

Patti continued (much to my relief and hopefully to yours too as the story continues),

“This is Zack and Blaine, my other two roommates.”

“Pleased to make your acquaintance” I said, shaking both of the giant hands (paws was more like it).

Zack said, “The pleasure is all ours, thanks for what you did for our roommate.”

“Yes”, Blaine added, “We consider Patti like out little sister and we really appreciate the way you looked out for her.”

“Well”, I said modestly, “It was really James who had orchestrated most of the affair.”

“None the less, we really appreciate it” said Zack.

“Glad it all turned out well”, I replied as Patti who had disappeared during the amenities reentered the room. To my delight she was carrying an overnight bag, but to my dismay she was wearing a pair of sweat pants and for the top only a sports bra.

“Where is my purple sweat shirt”, she asked.

“Still in the wash” Blaine answered, “along with the rest of our dirty close. It was James’s turn to do the laundry and he did not get it done.”

“Shit, sorry” James apologized. “With all the commotion of the evening I did not get to it.”

The four of use smiled and assured James in no uncertain terms all was well given his role in the evening’s successful outcome.

Patti stated she could wear her red sweatshirt, but it would not match her purple bottoms. I thought to myself, only a women would still be thinking about fashion after an evening like we just went through.

As we chatted I discovered that both Zack and Blaine were starting offensive linemen for the college football team, which while not really explaining their superhuman size at least made it socially understandable. As the minutes passed the five of us chatted idly about what else, the snow storm, which as I stared out the front door window appeared to be all but over.

After another round of hand shaking, hugs and thank you’s, Patti and I took our leave. We drove in silence back to my duplex. I wondered what I had gotten myself into with a girl who was ten years younger than me and I am sure Patti was thinking that was exactly what I was thinking.

Fortunately prior to leaving Patti’s I requested James call my place and let the gang know that all was well that ended well. So when Patti entered my place around four in the morning the four drunks were (Jesse was no where in sight, evidently having the good sense and a four wheel drive truck, to go home) sound asleep.

Patti and I crept silently into my room. I disrobed down to my birthday suit, which was my normal sleeping attire and Patti peeled off her sweats and climbed in next to me wearing only a pair of white cotton panties. As she snuggled up next to me she said,

“I want to thank you for this evening.”

“No need”, I said. “I am just glad all worked out the way it did.”

“No” she said. “I mean I really want to thank you,” as her head disappeared beneath the covers.

Much later as she lay sleeping in my arms I thought how quiet it was after a snow storm.

Editor’s Note:
The events depicted in this story are entirely factious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is entirely coincidental.


  1. I really feel like I know you guys better now. Chris wants to know when Patti got her car back!!

  2. I am soooo glad I read this story. Can't wait to share it with Pat!!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Spittoon and a Blanket

Cigar Infusion

Women Who Smoke Cigars and Why We Love Them